make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
