shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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