the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
