ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So squirting runs in the family.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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