Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
