I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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