when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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