1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
