i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
