yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
