Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
