I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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