i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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