I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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