They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
