he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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