don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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