I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i love accidental penises.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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