the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
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College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
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That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I know her cup size but not her name....
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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