Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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