yo everyone went to the hospital last night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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