Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
