When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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