my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
