I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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