we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
