found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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