it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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