Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
and you fell through a lawn chair
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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