She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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