I skipped work to stalk him.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
A+ Viking dick
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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