I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
