You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Randomize
