I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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