just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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