Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
