I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
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I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
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Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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