New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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