i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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