Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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