I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
