I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
