You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
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Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
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She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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