i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
