he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
