he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
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the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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