You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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