we're chasing vodka with high fives
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize