the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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