if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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