I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
