so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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