Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
