Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Randomize
