"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
