The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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