I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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