just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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