I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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