Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
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i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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