U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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